I'm Matt Collins. I don't know or like any of these other "comics."
Matthew Burgoon's list of achievements wouldn't fill a tombstone. After being named Anchorage's funniest comic one year in a row, he went out and purchased a leaking boat using what he thought would be the money from all of his future TV deals. After those deals didn't go through his girlfriend divorced him and now Matthew is living on his boat which also doubles as a metaphor for his career.
Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
Collector of wooden nickels, has pioneered the art of the laughless punchline... I enjoy long fucks on the beach with YOUR dog. My milkshake doesn't do anything and probably never will. My current salary is negotiable for any position (and I know lots of positions).. medical benefits are not necessary as I don't plan on living that long.
Sober for the last ten minutes.
Not Fred Koski.
7 year Koot's Veteran.
Decorated Black Heart.
Widely labeled (mostly just wide) Anchorage Comedy Mom. Which is false because she would have aborted you creeps just like all the others. And don't you ever forget it.
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